Across the Circle
by vivalascaptainswan
Summary: Emma Swan is where she never wanted to be: at her first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. She's just trying to serve out her punishment for her DUI without any more life-altering events. Too bad Killian Jones is also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is my first Captain Swan fanfic. By the way, sorry for the sucky summary. I tried. Thanks to my bestie Leah for helping me!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

She wanted to escape, but in her heart knew that she couldn't. Never in her life did she ever think she would be placed her here: outside the door leading to her first ever Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. But somewhere in the back of her mind, Emma Swan knew that this was what she deserved, what she needed in order to survive in this cruel world. For too long she had lived under the controlling grip of alcohol: from waking up with no memory of what happened the night before to crashing her yellow bug into a tree a few blocks from her apartment in Boston. The latter was what finally landed her here in this old church after her sentencing hearing. Since her DUI charge was the first on her record, she was able to escape jail time with a sentence of 2 years probation, temporary suspended license, and mandatory AA meetings in the basement of a local church for the next year. It was tough, but at least she didn't have to call a jail cell home.

Emma took several deep breaths in hopes of calming her nerves, even though she was positive that it wouldn't help at all. Nevertheless, she summed up whatever courage and sense of dignity she had left and opened the door to the new adventure she was about to embark on. The first thing she noticed was how dark it seemed in the room. It was not necessarily physically dark, as if the lights weren't bright enough. The real cause of the darkness were the people in the room. It was as if the building could sense that it was being inhabited by people whose lives were filled with something sinister and self-destructive. Even though her fellow group members were supposedly in recovery, they all seemed miserable and secluded. It made Emma feel even worse than when she had first arrived.

Not wanting to attract any attention she made her way quickly to a seat on the other side of the room, as far away as she could possibly get from everyone else. She noticed that some people were gathered around a table where cookies and lemonade were placed, as if they were here for a party instead of an AA meeting. She took off her red leather jacket to drape on the back of her chair and sat down, waiting for whoever the group leader was to start the meeting. Even though the meeting was supposed to be only for an hour, Emma had a dreadful feeling that it would be the longest hour of her life, and she wanted to get it started as quickly as possible. The sooner she was out of here, the better. Too bad she would have to come back every week for the next year though.

After a few more minutes everyone in the group was finally seated and waiting for the leader as well. Emma counted only 13 people in the group, and was slightly relieved at the low number. At least she didn't have to worry about a huge number of people knowing about the tragedy that was her life. She didn't think she would be able to handle any more judgmental stares like the ones she was already receiving from her friends. Than again, the people around her were probably already dealing with their own set of judgments and criticisms for their behavior, so why would they pass it on to her?

There were two empty seats left in the circle, and everyone in the room was waiting for their occupants so that the meeting could finally start. The door to the room finally opened to reveal a man with messy red hair and a green sweater vest. He wore a smile on his face that did little to brighten the room around him, yet took a seat among the others as if he wanted nothing else in the world than to be here with them. With him was a Dalmatian who laid down at his feet, as if it had been to these meetings plenty of times before. The man and his dog were a weird sight to Emma since she would have never thought that a dog would be a member of an AA group, but ultimately decided to look past that oddity.

"Good evening everyone," the man greeted in an enthusiastic voice. "My name is Archie Hopper and I am the leader of this wonderful group. I would just like to welcome all of you to another meeting, and let you know that I'm so glad you are here with me."

Even though Emma knew that this Archie guy was just doing his job, she couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed by his introduction. Why would he be happy that there were people at an AA meeting? Wouldn't he be happier if these people weren't here? Emma could already feel her annoyance level rising and the meeting just got started. She didn't know how she was going to be able to make it through the next hour.

"I thought we would start out the meeting by giving some introductions about who we are and what exactly brings us here tonight," Archie said. "One of my main goals for all of us is to build a sense of trust so that we're all comfortable with being transparent with one another."

From the looks of her fellow group members Emma could tell that she wasn't the only one who was skeptical of Archie's goal. There was no way Emma was going to reveal all of her darkest secrets to these people. She would admit that she had a drinking problem, but nothing else beyond the obvious.

"So, who would like to start us off?" Archie asked. Everyone was silent for a moment, all looking around the circle nervously to see who would show a sense of bravery. Emma kept her head down and went into her own little world. After a few awkward minutes, Archie decided to take matters into his own hands. He turned to a young woman next to him.

"Belle, how about you go."

The woman named Belle looked at Archie apprehensively, as if she would rather die than talk to the people around her. She was a very pretty girl with curly brown hair, green eyes, and a delicate face. She sat hunched in her chair with her arms wound tightly around her. To Emma, Belle seemed to be physically holding herself together. It did not take a highly intuitive person like Emma to see that this girl was in a lot of pain.

"I really don't feel that comfortable, maybe someone else can go instead," Belle said, her voice having an unfamiliar accent.

"You're going to have to open up to us sometime Belle," Archie said quietly. "You can't keep these things in forever." He gave her knee a reassuring pat, then turned to the rest of the group. "Maybe Mr. Gold can go first for us."

Mr. Gold sat on the opposite side of the circle from Emma, next to the empty chair that was still waiting for an inhabitant. He was one of the oldest members of the group, possibly in his early forties. His brown hair reached just above his shoulders, and in his right hand he held a rather lavish cane. He had a rather dark exterior, yet there was also a sense of confidence that he had.

"I met as well get this over with," he mumbled. "My name is Mr. Gold and I'm a recovering alcoholic."

"And what are you hoping to get out of this group Mr. Gold?" Archie asked. He seemed relieved that the group was actually getting somewhere.

"Well, I'm mostly hoping to get out of this depressing room and away from all these fucking people before I lose whatever I have left of my sanity," he said distastefully. Emma had a hunch that Mr. Gold would not be one of her favorite people at Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Oh Mr. Gold, I'm sure you don't mean that," Archie said. Looking around the room, Emma could tell that she wasn't the only who didn't hold a fondness for the man. A few people had no problem showing the hate on their face.

"In fact Archie, I do. All of us in this room are just low-lifes who have been cast out of society with no hope of ever fitting back in. And not to mention, there are a few of us who are complete ass-…"

Before Mr. Gold could finish his sentence, the door swung open to reveal the last member of the group. To everyone else in the room, he was just another troubled person in their group, but not to Emma. His sparkling blue eyes were the first things she noticed about him; they were so blue that she didn't think they were entirely real. He had messy black hair and a matching scruffy beard. He wore a black leather jacket and matching pants. Even though she wouldn't admit it to herself, this was the most gorgeous man Emma had ever seen.

The man sauntered his way over to the seat next to Mr. Gold, which was directly across from where Emma sat. He gave the group a smile, as if he was at a gathering with friends and family.

"Sorry I'm late mates, had a little work to do at the docks," he said in an Irish accent. Mr. Gold did not hide his look of distaste for the man sitting next to him. Emma got the hint that he did not have friendly feelings towards this stranger.

"Hello Killian, it's nice to see you again," Archie greeted. "We were just doing some introductions to start out group tonight. Would you like to share something about yourself with us?"

"Well I guess it's obvious that I'm an alcoholic, rum being my greatest weakness, other than a nice lass every now and again of course," he said with a smirk. "Unfortunately I haven't had either in a long time, which is a serious tragedy for all of the ladies out there." He gave another smirk and added a wink, which must have been his signature move.

Emma did not even stop herself from making a face, because this guy could not be serious. Yes he was extremely good looking, but he also gave the impression of a guy who was completely full of himself, which was not an attractive quality. She could partly understand why Mr. Gold was not too fond of him; she could feel her own annoyance towards the pretty boy growing. Killian must have noticed her face, because he looked directly across the circle and pierced her with his sapphire gaze.

"I guess this lass isn't too keen on my charm. Haven't seen you here before, but I'm glad I get to gaze upon your beauty now," Killian said with another wink. Everyone else in the circle stared at Emma, which was the last thing she ever wanted to happen at this damn AA meeting. She wanted to blend in, not be noticed, but this stupid Killian was ruining her plan. And she was not happy about it.

"Why don't you stop inflating your ego so we can get back to the meeting?" she said, not hiding her annoyance. "You're not as desirable as you think." Emma did not break her gaze with him, making sure that he knew that she meant business and would not be charmed like other women were.

"I like a woman with a little fire and spunk in her," he said with a raised eyebrow. "But I can't help but think you're bluffing when you say I'm not that desirable." He was challenging her, and Emma hated to admit it, but it was working.

"Well, you got the wrong impression, cause I find you to be slightly repulsive and a nuisance," Emma said. "And whatever charm you think you may have over women is not working on me, so you're wasting your time." Emma could feel the awkwardness that their conversation was creating in the group, but she was not about to let this Irish bachelor win this argument. She might be an alcoholic, but Emma Swan was not a pushover.

"Sorry to tell you dear, but if you keep that attitude up, men will find you repulsive, which puts you in the same boat as me," Killian teased. "Can't say I wouldn't mind being on a boat with you though lass." There was that smirk and raised eyebrow again, which made anger burn in Emma's stomach. She was definitely going to give him a piece of her mind.

"Listen here jackass—," she started, but was cut off by Archie's urgent voice.

"Well that was certainly an interesting uh…conversation, but maybe it's time we move on to someone else in the group," he said. Archie was obviously nervous, but tried to hide it as best as he could.

Emma kept quiet, but knew that this wasn't over. She shot daggers in Killian's direction, but all he did was smirk back at her. He seemed completely unfazed by her though, which just made her even angrier. She could not even pay attention for the rest of the meeting, and did not remember what her other group members said or who they even were. All Emma could think about was this smirking, attractive man, and how he had suddenly become her biggest challenge in Alcoholics Anonymous.


	2. Chapter 2

_Why does it have to be so fucking cold?_

Emma sat on the front steps of the church, cursing Mary Margaret for being late. Without her precious yellow bug and license, Emma had to rely on her best friend for transportation, which she was not entirely happy about. Mary Margaret was perfect in a lot of ways, but punctuality was not her strong suit, and Emma had to suffer for it. She didn't want to be in a bad mood when her friend would eventually arrive, but Emma just couldn't shake off her annoyance at what had happened back in that basement.

_Stupid Killian!_

Who did that man think he was? He basically embarrassed Emma in front of a group of strangers when he didn't even know who she was. Calling her _lass _and trying to swoon her with his snarky comments and cheeky smirks. He was unbelievable, and Emma had to spend the next year with him in AA meetings! As if Emma's life wasn't already a mess, she now had to deal with an insufferable pretty boy who had somehow taken an interest in her for some unknown reason. Life had a sick sense of humor, and Emma was the butt of the joke (as always).

"You know lass, frowning doesn't really suit you that well, maybe try to smile once in awhile."

Emma jerked her head up to see the prat standing above her, another stupid smirk plastered on his face. His blue eyes stared down at her with amusement, which made Emma even more annoyed.

"Please leave me alone," she said. "You're honestly the last person I want to see right now and I don't even know you." Emma heard him chuckle, which infuriated her even more.

"How can I be the last person you want to see when you don't even know me?" he asked, taking a seat next to her on the stairs. Even though he was seemingly trying to push her buttons, he kept a comfortable distance between the two of them.

"You called me out in front of a whole group of alcoholics, and then proceeded to embarrass me in the process," she said, trying her hardest not to snap at him. "This isn't exactly a place where you want people to know who you are, and I was trying my best to blend in and stay invisible."

"Now there's no fun in being invisible lass," Killian said. "Life is about putting yourself out there for the world to notice, and seeing what comes back to you." If he hadn't infuriated her earlier in the evening, Emma would have thought this statement could be somewhat inspirational. But it wasn't.

"I don't know if anyone has told you, but being an alcoholic isn't something to be fucking proud about," Emma spat. "But I guess you're too full of yourself to figure that out." She definitely wasn't holding anything back with this guy.

"That's what society wants you to think, but I don't exactly give a damn about what society thinks," Killian said simply. "And maybe it's about time you did the same lass."

"Please stop calling me lass!" Emma yelled, completely past the point of caring if others heard her. His stupid words had unfortunately gotten to her, and she could no longer keep her anger in check. How could Killian tell her to stop worrying about what society thought when he didn't know what society had done to her ever since she was born? He had no clue the wars she had to go through in order to be sitting on the stairs next to him, how life had been trying to take her out ever since hers started. So how dare he try to tell her what to do when it came to society.

"You don't know me, I don't know you, we just happen to be in the same fucking Alcoholics Anonymous group, which isn't exactly an achievement." Emma was fuming, and not one ounce of her was feeling guilty at biting off Killian's neck.

The man just looked at her, and for a fraction of a second Emma noticed a change in his expression, particularly in his striking eyes. Was it guilt? Sadness? Or even pity? But those emotions quickly disappeared as he stood up.

"Alright la—, I mean miss," he started. A slight blush came across his face at his almost mistake, and for a fleeting moment he looked embarrassed. Even though Emma was angry with him, she couldn't deny that it was somewhat cute.

"I'll just see you next week than," he said. He gave her a weak smile, nothing like his smirks from earlier, and began to walk away. Just as Emma thought she wouldn't have to hear his voice until the next meeting, Killian turned around to address her.

"Believe me, I know being an alcoholic isn't an achievement, but it's also not a death sentence," he said, his voice quieter and more serious. "I don't know who you are, I don't even know your name, but I know that you're more than an alcoholic. We all are." He gave her once last look, and continued on his way down the street. Emma watched his leather-clad back until he disappeared, the darkness seemingly consuming him.

_Looks are obviously deceiving, especially when it comes to Killian._

* * *

><p>"I guess there's not much to say about your first meeting, huh?" Mary Margaret asked. She and Emma were sitting in her brown pick-up truck in front of Emma's apartment building. Their ride home was definitely a silent one, for more than one reason. Things had been fragile between the two friends since Mary Margaret found out that her best friend had a drinking problem and been hiding it from everyone. Even though she didn't want Emma to know, Mary Margaret felt hurt that the blonde didn't trust her with something so important as being an alcoholic. She thought they had a trusting and honest relationship, especially after all of the battles the two had to fight together in the past. But now, Mary Margaret wasn't so sure what their friendship was anymore.<p>

"It's nothing that you would want to hear, trust me," Emma answered. She thought Mary Margaret was too innocent for Alcoholics Anonymous, and telling her anything about the night's events would further put their friendship off track. "Plus, I just listened to what others had to say, I didn't really contribute."

Emma could tell that her friend didn't believe her, but thankfully Mary Margaret didn't push it any farther. She didn't think she could have another serious conversation after what happened tonight. Killian had already left her mind reeling enough for the time being. Emma started to unbuckle her seatbelt and open the door when Mary Margaret stopped her.

"Emma, I know you hate hearing this, and you probably won't do it, but you _can _talk to me," she said. "I don't want you to go through this alone; you have me and David and countless other people who are here for you and care about you. Please don't shut us all out."

_How can Mary Margaret be so loving and kind after all of this? _Emma didn't have an answer to that question, but she was truly thankful that her friend hadn't abandoned her in her darkest time of need. But there was a part of her that liked to keep these things to herself, probably because she was so used to doing it throughout her life. It was an odd and sick comfort that she wasn't ready to give up just yet. She just needed time.

"Thank you, I really do appreciate all that you and David have done, believe me I do," Emma said. "And I promise you, one day I'll tell you everything. I just have to work some stuff out" She gave the woman a small smile, showing that she would in fact be okay. Mary Margaret returned it with her own, and the simple gesture brought a radiance to her face, one that Emma was familiar with and appreciated.

"Okay Emma, try to have a good night. David will be here tomorrow morning to give you a ride to work," Mary Margaret said, sounding like a mother. "And I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Emma said her own goodbyes and got out of the truck. She watched as her friend drove away and disappeared around the corner before she proceeded into her apartment building. She said hello to George the receptionist before taking the elevator up to the fifth floor and to her apartment. Unlocking the door and crossing the threshold, Emma felt a sense of relief now that she was back in her sanctuary and away from the world's prying eyes and judgmental opinions.

Flicking on the lights, Emma made her way to the kitchen to pour herself a glass a orange juice. Before her accident, Emma would have poured herself a glass of vodka and proceeded to drink the whole bottle throughout the night. But her whole stock of alcohol had been raided and thrown out by David and Mary Margaret, so she was unfortunately without her old friends. She had to make due without them.

Emma sat down on the couch and turned on the television, hoping that some mindless show would distract her from her own problems. She didn't want to think about her problems at all, and after her encounter with Killian, she believed it was best for her not to have alone time with her thoughts. Without alcohol it was a lot harder for Emma to lose herself, though she tried her best to.

Yet her mind seemed to always end up back on a pair of sapphire gems staring deep into her soul, and an Irish accent telling her that she was more than an alcoholic. If only she could believe that was true.


	3. Chapter 3

"Emma, can you please get me a copy of all the articles that are supposed to be in the features section of this month's issue before you go to lunch?"

David quickly passed her desk and made his way to his own office. As one of the managing editors of _Reel Trouble, _the biggest entertainment magazine in Boston, it was David's job to make sure that all articles for the month's issue were edited and ready to go to print within the next week. It could be a demanding job that turned any normal person into a cranky ass, but not David. Being Mary Margaret's husband and a mystical Prince Charming, he was the kindest person in the world, unlike the senior editor Regina Mills. To Emma, that woman was the definition of an evil witch, and for the past year that she had been working there, Emma tried her best to avoid Regina. Thankfully she had so far had close to zero contact with the infamous boss.

Emma quickly did as she was told, wanting nothing better than to get out of the office in order to clear her mind. Usually she was on top of her game at work, but today her mind was preoccupied with other thoughts. The night before she had barely been able to sleep, not only because of the usual nightmares she suffered from, but also from her thoughts of Killian. It wasn't necessarily him, more of what he had told her.

_You__'__re more than an alcoholic. We all are. _

Such a powerful statement, but could Emma truly believe that about herself? Ever since her accident she felt as if being an alcoholic defined who she was, and that for the rest of her life that's what her friends would see her as. Could she really be something more? At the moment, Emma had no clue.

"Here you go Prince Charming," she said jokingly, placing the articles in front of David. He gave her that winning smile of his that made all the girls melt, except for Emma. Yes, there was no denying that he was unfairly handsome, but he was basically her brother, and she could never see him in _that _way. It would be unnatural.

"Thanks princess," he answered, flipping through the articles before putting them on his desk. "You are free to go and enjoy your lunch break."

"I assume you'll be joining me so that you can interrogate me about my meeting last night," Emma said. "I'm sure Mary Margaret wants you to find out all the details since I shut her out last night." Emma noticed that David slightly flinched at the mention of her AA meeting. Like his wife, he wasn't used to the idea of Emma being an alcoholic, though he would always give her his full love and support, no matter what. It was just the type of man that he was.

"She did mention that you were in a pretty bad mood when she picked you up," he said. "Wanna talk about it?" Concern clouded his face, and Emma was once again reminded of how caring he actually was. Maybe she shouldn't _completely _shut herself off from her friends, even if they didn't quite understand what she was going through.

"Well, I guess when you have some random guy embarrass you in front of a whole group of strangers at your first AA meeting, you're not exactly in the best of moods afterwards," she said, taking a seat across from him. "And then for that same guy to try to get in your good graces afterwards with his seemingly poetic and philosophical ideas, it doesn't make things any better."

"What exactly did he say to you afterwards that upset you so much?" David asked. "He didn't say anything inappropriate, did he?" To say that David was highly protective of Emma would be an understatement, and if Killian ever said anything awful to her, she was sure that David would beat him bloody. Especially since the incident involving _him _almost 2 years ago, before Emma started working at _Reel Trouble_.

"No David, he didn't, and you know I definitely would've taken care of him myself," she said with a smirk. "He just said some crap about me not hiding in the shadows and that I was more than an alcoholic, as if he knew who I was and what I had been through. So I gave him a piece of my mind and told him to mind his own damn business." David nodded his head in understanding, his face partly scrunched up in concentration. He waited a moment before responding.

"Well Emma, I know you'll probably want to kick my ass for saying this, but this philosopher-wannabe guy does have a point," he said, choosing his words carefully so that he didn't upset her. "You _are_ more than an alcoholic, and you hiding in the shadows is no way to live."

Emma couldn't believe that David would actually take Killian's side when he didn't even know the man. _What the hell is happening?_ she thought.

"But David, he basically made all these stupid assumptions about me and tried to tell me how I should be living my life," she complained. "He had no right to even talk to me after what he did to me in that meeting. I shouldn't have to deal with that kind of shit." Emma was trying her best not to get too upset, but her emotions were becoming more difficult to control without the help of alcohol.

David got up from behind his desk and moved to stand by Emma, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. The simple gesture immediately reminded her of why she saw him as her brother.

"Listen Emma, I know what he did wasn't right, but maybe you shouldn't have acted like a jerk to him either," he said, his voice soft. "I know it's not easy, but maybe you should apologize to him to show that you don't hold a grudge, and he'll return the favor. He could just be looking for a friend of sorts, in order to feel less alone."

Despite her emotions, she knew that David was right. There was no point in holding a grudge against Killian when they would have to spend the next year together in Alcoholics Anonymous. If she was supposed to get her life back together—which was looking somewhat impossible at this point—she would have to let some things go. Maybe apologizing to Killian would be a step in the right direction.

"Okay, I'll apologize to him at the next meeting," she said, getting up to face David. "I'll be the bigger person and make amends, even if I don't exactly like it." No matter what, she wasn't going to disappoint David, especially after all the hell she had put him through already.

"That's my princess," he said with a smile. He took her in his arms for a hug, which Emma gratefully returned. It almost felt like things were back to normal, and that she wasn't the alcoholic who had to attend AA meeting every week. If only that were the case.

"So, are we going to lunch or not Prince Charming?" Emma asked, pulling back from their hug. At the mention of lunch, David frowned.

"Sorry Emma, but I can't," he said. "I have a last minute meeting with the Evil Queen herself about finalizing the issue before we go to print. I swear Regina never smiles."

"It's fine, maybe we can go tomorrow," Emma said, feeling slightly dejected. "I can bring you back something if you'd like."

"Thanks Em, but I'll be alright," David said. "You just go and enjoy yourself. Maybe eat by the harbor and enjoy the view for the both of us."

* * *

><p>The sun shined down on her as she took another bite of her sandwich and a sip of her hot chocolate. Emma sat on the bench with her legs curled under her, watching the different crews at work. Even though some people found it weird, Emma had this strange attraction to the harbor near <em>Reel Trouble<em>_'__s _office. There wasn't necessarily anything exciting over there, just a few shops and restaurants. And of course the many boats that were tied to the docks where cargo was loaded on and off throughout the day. Whenever it was nice outside she would come and escape from her troubles, letting the harbor's many activities distract her. This was especially true since she no longer had the benefit of drinking alcohol, which had helped her escape even faster.

The various crews working yelled back and forth at one another as they tried to unload the boats. They carried the cargo onto the docks where it was loaded on trucks to be taken to whatever warehouses they had waiting for them. It was a process that the crews did with ease, and for many of the men and women working, it was almost second nature. Emma held a certain respect for them, especially since she knew that there was no way she could do that everyday. Working for a magazine was more of her thing.

Emma finished her lunch and started to pack up her things, grudgingly starting to make her way back to the office. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy her job—she was actually very thankful for it—but she just wasn't in the mood to be around people. All she wanted at that moment was to go back to her apartment and curl up in bed, and hopefully get some sleep for a change. But she knew that wouldn't happen, especially since she had to rely on David to give her a ride home. And her past certainly wouldn't let her have a peaceful sleep. It never did.

She continued to walk along with her hot chocolate in hand, not really paying attention to her surroundings as she stuck her earbuds in so that she could listen to her music as she walked. The upbeat tempo of the song allowed her some relief from the stress that was weighing down on her, and soon Emma wasn't feeling quite as bad as before. It allowed a distraction, which seemed like a nice idea at the time. Of course, that was until she ran full-on into someone and spilled her hot chocolate all over them. She did have a reputation for being a klutz after all.

"I am _so _sorry, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," she stammered out, feeling the embarrassment flood her body. "Here, I'll clean that up for you." She busily dug in her bag, trying to find something that would help this stranger who was a victim of her clumsiness. Not once did she even look up to see who the person was, but when she heard _his_ voice, her heart dropped.

"Miss, don't worry yourself, it's just a shirt. I can always wash it."

It was Killian, standing right in front of her with a stained shirt. When he realized who he had run into, a look of shock settled on his face. He no longer wore the black leather that she had seen him in just the night before. Instead, he had on a plain white t-shirt (which was partly see-through because of the stain), dark jeans, and work boots. His hair was still messy, and his blue eyes shined even brighter because of the sunlight. He was almost breathtaking.

"Killian, what are you doing here?" Emma asked, nerves plaguing her voice as she looked at he man who had occupied her thoughts since last night. She thought she wouldn't have to see him until next week. How could he be here, in what she had always seen as her sanctuary? This wasn't supposed to be happening. You weren't supposed to see members of your AA group in the real world. It just wasn't right.

"I…I work here, down on the docks," he answered. "What are you doing here?" He looked at Emma as if she was a ghost.

"I come down here to eat my lunch," she answered, not fully understanding why she was telling him this. "I—here, let me clean up my mess." She handed him some napkins she had found in her bag, and went about picking up her fallen things. She was internally freaking out and had no clue what to do. _This can__'__t be happening, it__'__s all a dream_, she tried to convince herself. But she knew that this was reality and that she couldn't run from it.

Killian finished drying up his shirt, yet the stain still remained on it. Emma couldn't help but let her gaze linger for a second on where the shirt was now see through—a glimpse of his abs sent her heart racing. She shook herself out of it, and tried her best to focus on his eyes.

"Listen, I hope you don't think I'm stalking you or anything, I really do work down here," he said. "I'll get out of your way though." He started to walk away, just as he did the night before. Killian was just as shaken up as Emma was by their incident, and he was probably thinking that she was going to snap at him again. The thought of that made Emma feel terrible; she had definitely been in the wrong last night. This was the time to apologize.

"Killian, wait," she called after him. He stopped and turned around, a look of confusion on his face.

"What is it?" he asked, stepping a little closer.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for how I treated you last night," Emma said. "I realize that you were just trying to give me some encouragement, and I should've thanked you instead of acting like a jerk. I was just…being there last night wasn't exactly easy for me." She didn't want to reveal too much about her struggles, but the last thought slipped.

"I guess I have some apologies to make too," he said. "I acted like a right ass during the meeting and shouldn't have brought attention to you like that. I promise I won't push your buttons anymore either; I won't even say a word to you if that's what you want." His apology was sincere, and despite her prior thoughts, Emma had a sense that Killian was more of a gentleman than she had initially thought.

"Maybe we can just start over," Emma suggested. "If we're going to be in AA together for some time, I don't want there to be any bad blood between us." She gave him a smile to show that she was serious, and for the first time in awhile, it didn't feel forced.

"Alright, I like that idea," he said, returning her smile and stepping closer so that there was only a few feet between them. Emma felt her heart falter for a second, but quickly dismissed it.

"Well, my name is Killian Jones and though I am an alcoholic, I am also an artist who loves to be out on the water," he said, his eyes sparkling. "And may I ask what is your name miss?" His eyebrows wiggled, making Emma giggle like a little schoolgirl.

"Well good sir, my name is Emma Swan, and I am a writer for _Reel Trouble_, and I love to eat my lunch at the harbor," she said. "And unfortunately I can't quite wiggle my eyebrows like that." He laughed loudly at her jest, and the sound made Emma laugh herself.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Swan," he said. "I do hope we can be acquaintances during our time together." He stretched his arm out, his hand offered for her to take. She stretched out her own arm and grasped his hand with hers. His skin was callused yet there was a sense of softness that Emma couldn't explain. She thought it felt nice, and a part of her didn't want to let go, which scared her. Before her thoughts confused her even more, Killian brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it lightly. Emma felt her heart falter yet again (she really needed to get that under control), but she kept her face slightly neutral so that Killian didn't realize the effect he had on her in that moment.

"I guess it's time that I head back to the office, I don't want David to be mad at me," Emma said, trying her best to hide her nervousness. "But I'll see you next week, or maybe even around here during lunch again." The skin on her hand where Killian's lips had kissed it was tingling, and Emma had to get away from him before she did something stupid.

"Okay, I'll see around Emma," he said, walking backwards a few steps. "It was a pleasure to _rightfully_ meet you." He turned around and started to walk in the direction of the docks. Emma did the same as she made her own way back to the office, her thoughts running wild on what had just happened.

But for the first time in in months, Emma felt like she could get through the rest of the day with a smile on her face. Maybe the feeling of Killian's hand in hers had something to do with it.

_ It was a pleasure to meet you too Killian._


	4. Chapter 4

"So, who wants to share with us how their week went?"

Emma sat in the basement of the church, listening to Archie as he tried to get a volunteer from the group to talk. As expected, no one raised their hands or offered up their voices. The fragile woman Belle sat with her arms wrapped around her and her head down, though occasionally her eyes would flicker to Mr. Gold, who sat staring off into the distance. Killian sat across the circle from Emma, looking as if he would rather be anywhere else than in this meeting. Everyone was just as stoic as they were at Emma's first meeting, and soon the silence became unbearable. _Please, someone just talk so we can get this over with, _Emma thought.

Finally, a man who sat a few seats down from Emma raised his hand. He looked no older than 20, far too young to be in an Alcoholics Anonymous group. He was barely an adult, yet he had obviously been through enough to end up here with the rest of them. _Alcohol doesn__'__t care how old you are, as long as it can control you_.

"Ahh Luke, what exciting things have happened in your life recently?" Archie asked, just as relieved as Emma was that someone finally spoke up.

"Well, last Thursday my girlfriend Jamie had our baby girl and we named her Lily," Luke said, a huge smile spreading across his face. "She's the cutest thing I've ever seen, and she's so tiny I can hold her with one hand." There were a few audible "awwwws" from the few women in the group, though Emma was not one of them.

_No, please, I don__'__t wanna hear this_, Emma thought. _I__'__m not ready for this_.

"How does it feel to be a father Luke?" Archie asked. "Are you happy, scared, or anxious? Maybe all three?"

"I'm very happy, but I'm also scared out of my mind," Luke answered. "I wanna be the best father that I can be to her, but I know that I have a long way to go. That's why I'm here, because I don't want my daughter to grow up with an alcoholic as a dad." A few members of the group nodded their heads in agreement.

"It's normal to have those feelings Luke, and I'm glad you've recognized what you need to do in order to be a good dad," Archie said. "Lily is a lucky girl to have a dad like you. You're going to be a great dad. I promise."

Everyone in the group gave a light handclap for Luke for sharing, but Emma felt as if the room was spinning. She needed to get out of there, and fast, before she did something stupid in front of the whole group. She noticed that Killian gave her a questioning look, which didn't make her feel any better. There had to be a bathroom around that she could escape to.

Trying her best to keep her emotions in order, Emma politely excused herself from the room and headed to the bathroom down the hall. She could feel the tears starting to burn behind her eyes, yet she refused to let them fall. All she needed was some time alone in order to gather herself. Then everything would be back to normal.

_Please let everything go back to normal. _

Emma walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She turned on the sink and began splashing cold water on her face. The act usually helped to calm her down, but this time it didn't. Her hands shook violently and her breaths became shallower. She had to get herself together before she went into a full-blown panic attack.

_Just block it out Emma. Everything will be fine if you just block it out. _

But no matter how hard Emma tried, she couldn't block the memories from coming. They consumed her before she could stop them.

* * *

><p><em><strong>2 years ago<strong>__**…**_

_Oh my God__…__this can__'__t be right_

The room began to spin around her. She had to grip the sink in order to stop herself from collapsing. Emma couldn't deny what she saw right in front of her emerald eyes: two red lines running parallel to each other. She never thought she would see this day (she definitely hadn't been planning on it), but there it was.

_I__'__m pregnant. _

Her hand went to her flat stomach, as if she was expecting the baby to somehow respond to her touch. She took the test solely as a precaution after she had missed her period, and her only hope had been that the test would come back negative. Emma knew that she wasn't ready to be a parent; she had never had parents of her own to take care of her in the first place. There was no way that she could provide for this child, no way that she could give them the life they deserved. Yet reality had dealt her this hand, and now she had to make a move.

"Emma, are you alright? You've been in there a long time, and I just wanna make sure you're okay."

His voice brought her out of her thoughts, and caused a set of new ones to start racing through her mind. How could she tell him that he would suddenly be a father? What would he do when she told him? _Should _she even tell him? Emma couldn't come up with a good enough answer.

"Emma, talk to me, are you okay?" he asked again, worry laced in his voice. Emma knew that she couldn't hide from him forever…she had to be an adult and face him. _I just hope he won__'__t be mad at me__…_

She took a few deep breaths to steady her nerves and then opened the door, making sure to hide the pregnancy test behind her back. Standing in the doorway was her boyfriend of one year, Neal, a look of worry evident on his face. Her hear faltered when she saw him, a new wave of anxiety flooding her. _I can__'__t do this__…_

"Emma, what's wrong?" Neal asked. "What's going on? Why aren't you talking to me?" He was almost pleading with her, his eyes desperate as he searched her face for any sort of clues. She knew that she couldn't hide this from him.

"Neal…I need to show you something," Emma said slowly, bracing herself for his reaction. "Please promise me you won't be mad."

"I'd never be able to be mad at you," he said, a nervous smile crossing his face. "You know you can tell me anything Emma." He comfortingly put his hands on her shoulders, which made her relax slightly, though not enough. _This is it__…_

"I…I haven't been f-feeling well for some time, and when I noticed that I missed my period, I took a pregnancy test," Emma began, not able to look Neal in the eyes. "And…it came back positive." She was waiting for him to understand…waiting for him to understand what this actually meantfor _them_.

"You're…pregnant?" Neal asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Emma felt tears build behind her eyes as she nodded her head, her hands bringing the pregnancy test out from behind her back to show him. Neal took it in his own hands, staring intently at the two lines. His eyes became bigger, though he remained silent. Emma couldn't take it much longer.

"Neal, please say something," she begged. "What are you thinking?" Emma didn't know if she was ready for what he had to say, but she would rather deal with the pain sooner than later.

"I think this is the best news in the world…"

Emma's head snapped up, not fully believing that she had heard him right. Neal was smiling down at her—a real smile—and she could see the tears building behind his own eyes. Her hear swelled so much that she thought it might burst, but she wasn't afraid anymore. Neal was happy, and that's all that mattered.

"You're not mad at me?" Emma asked, not able to hide the hopefulness in her voice. "I thought you would be scared or run off…" To be fair, Emma always had a fear that Neal would leave her, all because of how fucked-up she was by her past. But he hadn't so far, and now it didn't look like he ever would.

"Of course I'm not mad Emma, we're gonna be parents!" he exclaimed. "And I promise you we'll be the best parents this kid could ever ask for!" He was laughing and smiling and Emma never thought she had seen someone so beautiful. Neal whisked her up in his arms, spinning her around and saying how happy he was. Emma laughed with him, feeling on top of the world for the first time in her life. Suddenly she wasn't as afraid as she was before to be a parent, because she wouldn't be alone. She would have Neal, and he would never leave her. And that's all Emma could ever hope for.

_I__'__m going to be a mom__…_

* * *

><p>A steady knock on the door brought her back from her memories to the bathroom in the church, her hands clenched to the sink. Her whole body was shaking, and the need to vomit became stronger the longer she stood there. She couldn't go back out there and face those people, at least not like this. She needed to get out of here completely; get out and go to the nearest bar to drown her sorrows in vodka. Too bad that wasn't an option. The knocking continued, though Emma didn't make a move to open the door.<p>

"Emma, are you okay?" she heard Killian ask. "I just wanted to check on you."

Why was he here, knocking on the door and making sure she was okay? What did he care about her having a complete freak-out when he didn't even know her? Killian just needed to leave her alone. Everyone did.

"Emma, are you alright?" Killian asked again, anxiety evident in his voice.

"Please, just leave me alone," Emma begged. "I just wanna be alone right now. I'll be okay, I promise." She didn't need Killian to be out there, acting as if he actually cared a little bit about her. She didn't need anyone to come check up on her. She would pull herself together…eventually.

There was silence from the other side of the door, until she heard Killian's footsteps as he walked away, back to their AA meeting. She was grateful that he hadn't pressed her any further; she knew that if it were David and Mary Margaret, they would've broken down the door just to get to her. But Killian respected that fact that she needed her space. And she couldn't ask for anything more.

After splashing her face with more water and getting her hands to finally stop shaking, Emma tried to come up with a plan to get out of the rest of the meeting. She knew that from the moment she walked back in the room that everyone would be staring at her, wondering why in the hell did she take off so quickly. The thought terrified Emma all over again, and she could feel her hands begin to twitch again. She wouldn't be able to go back in there, she just didn't have the strength for it. She wished that she could just melt into the walls and disappear, and never have to face this ever again.

The sound of approaching footsteps brought Emma back down to Earth. She was expecting that it would be Killian coming to check up on her again, but she didn't hear his knock at the door. Instead, the footsteps went just as quickly as they came, with no disturbances this time. Emma was confused; why wouldn't Killian at least say something? Finally, the curiosity got the better of her, and Emma opened the door slowly to see what had happened, or if she was just imagining things.

She was shocked, to say the least, that her red leather jacket and small purse lay neatly on the floor in front of the door. On top lay a crumpled napkin from the snack table with scribbled handwriting on it. Emma picked up the napkin and read the message addressed to her:

_Emma, _

_ I thought you would appreciate not having to go back in the middle of the meeting to retrieve your things, so I brought them to you. I don__'__t know why you left or what__'__s going on, but I just wanted to let you know everything will be okay. I hope you feel better._

_ Killian_

_ P.S. Maybe a nice cup of hot chocolate will make things better. _

Never before had Emma felt so much gratitude, especially to such a simple act of kindness. She would've never expected anyone to do something like this for her, yet once again Killian had surprised her. She knew the next time she saw him, whether it be at the docks at lunch or back here in the church basement, she would need to thank him.

Emma retrieved her phone from the pocket of her jacket and wrote a quick text to Mary Margaret asking her friend to pick her up early. She gathered the rest of her stuff, placed Killian's note into her purse, and headed to the door leading to the outside of the church. _Maybe some fresh air will make me feel a little better, _Emma thought.

By the time Mary Margaret picked her up 10 minutes later, all traces of Emma's panic attack were gone. When asked why she needed to be picked up earlier than usual, Emma lied and said that she was feeling a little sick and didn't want to spread whatever she may have to the rest of the group. Her friend didn't press her for anymore information, and for that Emma was grateful. The rest of their ride to her apartment was in silence.

"I hope you feel better Emma," Mary Margaret called as she watched her friend head through the front doors to her apartment's lobby. "I'll see you tomorrow night for dinner!" Emma waved goodbye to Mary Margaret as she drove off, and proceeded to the elevators and up to her apartment.

Her apartment was covered in darkness as usual, though the fact that she was alone brought her comfort. It suddenly occurred to Emma how tired she was; almost having a full-blown panic attack really took the energy out of you. All she wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about everything that had happened tonight. She was sure to have nightmares of her past like she usually did, but that wasn't a real surprise, especially since she already had a horrifying flashback just over an hour ago. Life just loved to repeatedly screw her over.

Emma took a long shower in order to relieve herself of the stress that permeated throughout her body. She honestly felt better afterwards, but she knew that would only last for a little while longer. After drying herself off and throwing on a loose camisole and pajama bottoms, Emma walked back into her living room where her jacket and purse sat on the back of the couch.

Suddenly Emma remembered Killian's note that was still tucked away in her purse. She pulled it out and read it over once more, somewhat amazed that the man who had tested her limits at her first meeting would do something so kind for her at her second. There was a lot more to Killian than just who he chose to show on the surface, and the thought of who that was intrigued Emma more than she liked to admit. _Maybe I should try to figure out who this Killian Jones is_, Emma thought, fixing herself up for some sort of mission to figure out who this artistic deckhand was who kept telling her that things would get better. This definitely had not been her plan when it came to tackling her Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

_ And maybe a nice cup of hot chocolate will make things better__…_


End file.
